Words to Live By

• It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Pro is to con as progress is to Congress
• Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
• It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
• Lubarsky's Law of Cybergenic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
• Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
• Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
• First law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's always uphill and against the wind.
• Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
• Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
• First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
• Hartly's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
• Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins from one's pockets. -Ambrose Pierce
• Someone ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
• You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers. - J.D. Salinger
• If bankers can count, why do they have eight windows and only four tellers?
• Those who can't write, write manuals.
• Never call a man a fool. Borrowws from him.
• A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
• "He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..."
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
• Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to critisize, but if everyone hated you, ytou'd be paranoid, too.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous.
• Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
• Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
• If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• About the time we make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
• Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
• Stealing a rhinocerous should not be attempted lightly.
• All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
• There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone else, or forbid your kids to do it.
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• Serving coffee on an airplane causes turbulence.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
• When you're in it uop to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
• Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
• Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
• I really hate this damned machine/I wish that they would sell it/It never does quite what I want/But only what I tell it
• Worst Vegetable of the Year: the brussle sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
• Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
• Drive defensively: Buy a tank.
• Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
• Moderation is for monks.
• Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
• How long a minute is depend on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
• Life is like a dog-sled team... If you ain't the lead dog, the scene never changes.
• If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.

Contributed by: Carson Bloomberg