Words to Live By
- It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Pro is to con as progress is to Congress
- Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
- Lubarsky's Law of Cybergenic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
- Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
- Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
- First law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's always
uphill and against the wind.
- Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
- Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers
wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
- First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Hartly's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get
him to float on his back, you've got something.
- Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins from one's pockets. -Ambrose Pierce
- Someone ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so the pens
will multiply instead of disappear.
- You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers. - J.D.
- If bankers can count, why do they have eight windows and only four
- Those who can't write, write manuals.
- Never call a man a fool. Borrowws from him.
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
- "He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
- You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot
- Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
critisize, but if everyone hated you, ytou'd be paranoid, too.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous.
- Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
- Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government
- If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
- Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
- About the time we make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
- Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
- Stealing a rhinocerous should not be attempted lightly.
- All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
- Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
- There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone else, or forbid your kids to do it.
- How come wrong numbers are never busy?
- Serving coffee on an airplane causes turbulence.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck.
- When you're in it uop to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
- Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
- Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
- I really hate this damned machine/I wish that they would sell it/It
never does quite what I want/But only what I tell it
- Worst Vegetable of the Year: the brussle sprout. This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
- Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
- Drive defensively: Buy a tank.
- Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
- Moderation is for monks.
- Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
- How long a minute is depend on which side of the bathroom door you're
- Life is like a dog-sled team... If you ain't the lead dog, the scene
- If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some
Contributed by: Carson Bloomberg