Words from the Wise

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
-Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.
-Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
- Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with. "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
-Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
-Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
-Harry S. Truman

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn.
-Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
-Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
-G.K. Chesterton

Never use while sleeping.
Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. . . ..Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
-Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
-Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
-Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
-John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
-Ruth Gordon

Contributed by: Sheila and Bob Dennison

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