Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and
heavier.
Anonymous
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
-Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your
mother to hear at your trial.
-Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"
Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
- Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large"
or "size" with. "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether.
Trust me.
-Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless
applying for the job of umpire.
-Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
-Harry S. Truman
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn.
-Publius Syrus
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the
local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
-Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It
annoys them very much.
-G.K. Chesterton
Never use while sleeping.
Instruction on Conair hair dryer
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's
no end to the game. . . ..Finally I grabbed him by the bib and
said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
-Rita Rudner
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
-Woodrow Wilson
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is
in the room.
-Winston Churchill
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
-John Peers
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-Geraldo Rivera
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
-Ruth Gordon
Contributed by: Sheila and Bob Dennison